Episode 7 - Speak On It

So, guess who decided to enter rest? Me

No more doctor’s visit

No more not processing the feelings

No more not sitting with reality to grieve what could have been

I entered rest and was ready to return to the source to understand the words, revelations, process, and everything in between. When God told me in 2015 that I would give you a son, I never sat with it. I wrote it down and went about my business. Then, in 2016, when he said I did not call you barren, I was like, okay, and while I recorded it, I did not bother to sit with it to understand why I was getting these revelations.

But when I entered rest, it was time to deal and not run; it was time to sit with it all, so I started.

I started going to God about the situation - my feelings, questions, and wanting to know why we are here.

And guess what? There were no answers to my why questions. The only thing the Lord kept saying was, "Trust me." He asked me for what I call "blind" faith—no reasons or plenty of explanations, just going with the flow of the Spirit.

When I entered rest, the Lord started showing me more about my son - countless dreams, visions, and words over a period of time. But he never gave the when, lol. The one thing I wanted to know was the one thing he never gave me: when will it happen? But the more I sat with God, the more the when no longer mattered to me. Did I wish to know on some days to make the waiting easier? Absolutely, but I had slowly come to the place of If he said it, he would do it, and he had now shown me too much for me not to believe. He gave us our son's name at some point, so eventually, my spirit began to accept beyond reasonable doubt that God would give me the son he promised.

That lifted the burden, causing me to seek answers from one doctor or another. I tapped out and decided to wait well and live in obedience until, one day, God made a demand.

In early 2021, the Lord said he wanted me to share and talk more about this journey. I immediately pretended not to have heard the instruction, lol, because what? That would be too much. I know I have entered rest, but this is asking too much of me. I know that I have yielded my life, and for years, I have shared pieces of my life on this platform and engaged with different people, but this is not a place in my life  I am willing to talk about publicly.

So I ignored the instruction until Manny said, "I feel in my Spirit that God wants us to talk more about this journey." I looked at him and asked, "Are you okay with publicly talking about this?" He replied, "Why not?"

I said, "Here we go again. That's why you are his favorite," lol. He's always ready to jump without questions asked. I looked at my husband and said, "This is too much for me. It is a big ask, and it is not a cross I am willing to carry."

I cannot speak on it.

He said, sleep and pray on it. 

He did not know that I did not need to pray because I received the same instruction but was ignoring it. A few weeks later, Manny brought it up again, and I confessed that I received the instruction, too, but to be honest, I do not have the courage to follow through, and I do not plan to follow through.

He told me, "Babe, this is not one of those miracles where God wants us to have it in our hands before we talk about the journey." I said, "I know that, but I do not have the courage to do it."

He asked, "What are you afraid of, and what is holding you back?" I kept quiet and said many things held me back, but I would break it down for you. First, talking about it opens me up to everybody. We haven't shared our "struggles" or stories with anybody. I don't know that I want to invite opinions while I'm in the thick of figuring it out with God.

Second, we are Africans. Have you met our people and culture, lol? I love my culture, but the concept of boundaries is far from us😂. There will be unsolicited opinions, judgments, group chats, etc., and I don't know that I can handle it because I feel like it's my fault. We know that scientifically, the problem is me. While we know spiritually that God is up to something, scientifically, it is me. 

Also, I am still trying to understand what God is doing, and inviting people in may bring a lot of confusion, chaos, and stress that I do not need.

After talking plenty and thinking that I had made valid points, Manny looked me dead in the eye and said, "And so what?" I said, "Excuse me?" And he said all of that doesn't matter. When God speaks, you obey, and he will give us everything we need to walk in obedience. If people want to talk or don't get it, and so what?

I said, "Babe, I cannot do it," and he said, "I strongly believe this is the last step we have to take to get to the other side."

And we tabled the conversation.

I wasn't going back and forth about this because I had resolved that I would not do it. And let's not wrap pretty language around it—I had decided that disobeying God was the better option for self-preservation.

See, that warning in scripture that says to be careful if you think you stand lest you fall is real. Do not take it for granted, no matter where you feel you are in your spirituality. Self-preservation will have you fall and disobey God in a heartbeat. Countless times, we saw how self-preservation led faithful people to make executive decisions that went against God's will in the Bible.

Moses struck the rock when God said speak to the rock because my guy was tired of the people's shenanigans

Abraham lied more than once about Sarah being his wife because he wanted to live

Job said get somebody else to do it because he was not trying to deal with the people and their shenanigans

These were not unbelievers; these were men who knew their God. But sometimes, we allow our problems to somehow become bigger than what we know about God, and we move to self-preservation. 

We often see it when people don't finish how they started, but I digress.

The instruction came around 2021, and I simply was not ready. Manny never stopped reminding me that I was living in disobedience; he was a thorn in my flesh.

I ignored it because my fear of the unknown, what people would say, and the uncertainty of it all somehow became bigger than my reverence for God. 

I can't tell y'all how often I've looked back and said God, I am sorry because it breaks my heart to know that I did not choose God

And I can't tell y'all how often I've looked back and thanked God for his mercy, kindness, grace, love and everything in between because he waited patiently for me to be ready without casting me away.

Anyway, in April 2024, Manny booked a trip to LA for my birthday. We were having fun as always until one morning, the conviction hit me hard. I was in bed in our hotel room, and the Holy Spirit convicted me of my disobedience. For three years, I had ignored the instructions, and that morning, the conviction hit me so hard out of nowhere. It pricked every part of my being, and suddenly, all the reasons why I chose disobedience seemed so insignificant.

And so I yielded my will.

I tapped Manny, lying next to me, and said I am ready... to be continued.

Obedience does not always remove the levels of difficulty.

Your fear of what it will cost you is valid, but at some point, you have to rise above the fear because harvest doesn't come without sowing.