Episode 5 - Pause

One would think I shouldn’t have asked because I already knew the answer, but part of me wanted something to hold on to and wished she could say, “It will be successful.”

She replied, "I know you want an answer for peace of mind, but unfortunately, there is no guarantee." We will do our best, and our clinic offers three cycles. On the other hand, Manny had no questions; my guy was just there to be present for me.

I said, "Let’s do it; I’m ready." We scheduled a scan appointment and left.

The day came for my appointment. I got ready and woke Manny. I knew he was about to give a speech I wasn’t ready for. He held my hand and said, "I need you to pause and process everything. I am not saying this is not the path we have to take, but I am saying pause and seek God like we’ve always done."

But I wasn’t ready to hear anything; God deeply hurt me. 

You told me you would give me a son when I didn't ask

You told me you did not call me barren when I did not ask

So why are we here? Why is this my reality?

I told Manny, "I’m doing this, and you don’t have to come to this appointment with me," and I left. When I got to the clinic, it was time for the scans. Honestly, I was on autopilot and just going through the motions.

I got to the clinic and did the regular check-in stuff. They had me change in a room. I changed and waited for the sonographer. A few minutes later, she walked in, and we began. 

I was on the bed, my eyes closed, just waiting for everything to be done. But something switched in me about three minutes into the scan. Tears streamed down my face, and I asked the lady, “Can we pause for some time?” She said, “Sure, I will give you a few minutes,” and left the room.

As soon as she left, I could not control my emotions. Suddenly, I was forced to accept the tension. 

I quickly dressed, left the room, and told the lady I needed time and would reschedule. She said, "I understand. Take your time." I got in an Uber and could not wait to go home.

As soon as I got home, I called Manny, and when he said hello, I started crying. I said this was too much for me. I was hurt, angry, and frustrated. He listened on the other end and held the space for me as I cried for minutes. And then I said, "I will call you back."

When I ended the call, I said God, I’m ready to tell you how I feel. If you were in the room that day with me, you would think I was crazy. I spoke my mind - crying, hyperventilating, and talking. I said I feel hurt by you; why is it never easy? What is it always something? Why did you make the promise? Why are you able but won’t perform? What does this mean for me and my life? I did not hold back.

I let it all out as if I was standing face-to-face with God. 

When I was done, I calmed myself while in a fetal position on the bedroom floor and just laid there for hours. 

To be continued…..