Episode 6 - What if?

I finished crying, and when the hubby came home, I communicated how I felt.

One of the things I communicated to him was that I felt like God was always taking me through the wringer with everything. It is always one process after the other; things are rarely smooth, and a lesson must be learned before you move from one season to the next. 

I wondered why faith has to be so hard sometimes. I also wondered what standard God used to assign battles because life can quickly get intense. I get that we have to be transformed, but whew!!! 

We talked, and the hubby also explained to me that he felt in his spirit that God was asking us to pause and not go ahead of him. He said that while options are available to us, whenever he prayed, he felt the Spirit asking us to pause even though he had considered the options, too.

I said right now that I may not want to hear God because my flesh profoundly wants to do what it wants to do, but at the same time, I will not lead us into disobedience, so I will pause. And I came to this conclusion begrudgingly.

As Christians, we are led to the false belief that obedience must be done with joy, smiles, etc. But the truth is sometimes we do it afraid, disappointed, frustrated, hurt, etc. It’s not always peaches and cream, and guess what? That is okay because God can handle all your feelings, but I digress.

So I paused, but the one thing that never paused was Dr. E’s voice playing in my head. Day and night, I would hear, “Unfortunately, you cannot children.” I could be doing something, then randomly find myself back in the room where he uttered those words. I would also go back to the day after the surgery when I asked the doctor if I could have children and he shook his head to signal a NO. And everytime I went back to these moments fear gripped my heart.

It became a warfare between the flesh and the Spirit. I would have two voices and moments in my head 

One was the day God said to me in 2016, “I never called you barren,” and the other was Dr. E’s voice, “Unfortunately, you cannot have children.”

I lived with these two moments every day. And I’m not even going to front and tell y’all God’s voice was always louder. The truth is that it was a delicate dance between the two. Sometimes, God’s voice was louder; other times, Dr.E’s was more audible. And if I’m going to be honest, Dr. E’s voice won most of the time because I had seen the facts - the scans, images, etc.- it was tough to act like it was not real because I had a word from God. 

While pausing meant I would not go ahead of God, it did not automatically remove my feelings about the situation. I still cried and had plenty of questions for God. 

In the meantime, things were looking up in other areas of our lives. The hubby was doing well at work, and my career was slowly progressing. I had also been in a waiting season in that area, but it was finally harvest season.

However, I would say that while waiting, we never stopped “living”(whatever that looked like in any season). It could be coffee dates, date nights, brunches, trips, and enjoying the seemingly small moments. We still poured into our marriage even though I had some meh days. Between myself and the hubby, I struggled more. 

Let me describe how we both operate in a few words 👉🏾 When God speaks, he only needs to say it once to the hubby, and he will rest. He takes the word, believes, and waits on God. Nothing moves or shakes him. On the other hand, I’m like God’s lastborn, lol. While I will not disobey, I will go to him every day like God are sure you ain’t got something different to say, try to negotiate, or pour my heart out. The day determines what I go to him with, but I will always come out saying yet not my will because I understand the weight of surrender.

Months after surgery, we moved to a different city for hubby’s new role. We packed our stuff and moved. I got a job in the bank (I was excited about this). 

Over the months, I had been doing well, allowing God’s voice to be louder until one day, I woke up with the question, "What if I tried a different doctor?" This was interesting because it’s not like a new doctor could magically create fallopian tubes. What if it’s all I dream that I can wake up from?

But I did not want to sit with the reality of it all. It was hard to admit that, scientifically, it was over.

Every day, I struggled to go back and forth between facts, the possibility of God and his ability to do what he said he would do.

See, faith is a very delicate dance and battle

One day, it is bigger than a mustard seed

On another day, it is the size of a mustard seed

Some days, it is smaller than a mustard seed

And on others, you ain’t even got it all

I did not have it at all on this particular day, so I decided to schedule an appointment with Dr. D, a different doctor in the new city. 

The day came, and I saw Dr. D. We scheduled some tests, which I did sometime in the week. Then, we scheduled our follow-up. The next day, the plan was to see Dr. D and head to work later. At this point, Manny had decided to leave me for God, so he did not talk much.

I went to see Dr. D for our follow-up appointment, and while I knew what the reality was, a large part of me was expecting a miracle for him to say something had suddenly changed.

He walked into the room, sat with me, and said, "The only way is through IVF." I looked at him and nodded. I had no other reaction as I was numb.

He told me to think through everything before I proceeded. He said even “even if you choose to proceed with IVF, you and your husband must talk through it before you proceed”. I thanked him and walked to the car. I did not react the whole time until I sat in the car.

As soon as I sat in the car, it hit me that this was not a dream. My appointment with Dr. D felt like the nail in the coffin - that my fate had been sealed. I let out a loud cry for minutes, almost losing my breath. Then I called the hubby. Fortunately, he was about 5 minutes away, so he drove to me. When he got to me, he sat next to me, held my hand, and watched me cry my heart out for minutes. 

When I calmed down, he said, "You know, from a physical standpoint, it is what it is; the report they give you will not change no matter how many doctors you see, but it is not their report we are working with. We know what God said." I replied, "But how it is naturally impossible." He said, "That's not for us to figure out; we just have to go to him and hold on."

I continued crying, and in the car, I allowed myself to grieve what could have been. We talked briefly, and I drove to work, still frustrated, disappointed, and confused. As soon as I got to work, I went straight to the restroom. I sat on the floor weeping, and then Miss K (a senior colleague) came in.

She asked what was wrong, and I said through tears and hyperventilating, "I can't have children." She immediately sat next to me on the floor and hugged me. Then she said, "I know you can't receive what I'm about to say right now, but I need you to know that God won't fail you." She held me tight as I cried

At that moment, it hit me 👇🏾

I could not outrun God's word, nor could I escape the process. I had only one option: to submit and yield to God FULLY without attempting to cut corners or avoid him/the mess. 

And so I quit.

I quit my works

I quit from running

I quit from not wanting to deal spiritually

I quit compartmentalizing and feeling like God could not have that part because, in my head, he was the source of the pain

I quit chasing for answers from everywhere else.

And I yield. I am giving in to his process and no longer fighting it.

Well, kinda…..

To be continued

I don’t know who needs to hear, but If God has not placed the limit, do not accept it.