Episode 4 - God Bless You

The two-week waiting period to see Dr. E was painful. I googled plenty, and there was no scenario I did not think about in my head - the what-ifs, hows and whys.

What If God changed his mind about the promise?

What does moving forward look like?

If it is true that I cannot children what would life look like moving forward?

Is God testing me?

There were many questions, and I had no answers. All I could do was wait for the eventuality. The days were very long, but two weeks came, and it was time to see Dr. E.

I remember exactly what I was wearing - a black and white gingham pants and a pink blouse. The hubby and I planned to see Dr.E, and then he would drop me off at work.

We drove to the doctor’s, and Dr.E was a man who always had a smile, so you couldn’t quite read him. The overthinker in me tried to read him before he even spoke, but I got nothing.

We were ushered into one of the rooms, and we took a seat. A few minutes later, Dr.E walks in.

He sat down and asked how I was doing post-surgery and wanted to know more about my recovery. Honestly, I wished I could tell him to go straight to the point, but a more significant part of me also did not want to know because, based on my conversation with the other doctor the morning after the surgery, I knew that it wasn’t going to be good news.

After discussing how I was feeling, it was time to discuss serious matters.

Dr. E said, "I know you talked briefly to one of our doctors, and I will give you more insights." Then, he handed me a folder with various images.

A laparoscopy (the procedure I had) uses a camera to project an image inside your belly or pelvis in real-time. Surgeons can use these images to watch their hand motions during the procedure and capture everything. 

The folder I was holding had images of what was going on inside. He talked through the pictures with me and the hubs. We saw the endometrial implants before he burned them and after. You could see that almost everything had been burned, like he said after the surgery. 

While looking at the images, Dr. E said, “You asked my colleague a question the day after the surgery. You asked if you could ever have children, and his answer was no. Well, he was right, and I will tell you why.”

At this point, my heart was pounding because I could no longer be in denial or hope the other doctor lied. I held facts in my hands, and Dr. E had all the images on a table as we talked through them.

He started taking us through my reproductive system. And he says, as you can see when you look at the images, we took out almost all the endo, and while endometriosis causes infertility, there is a bigger issue here.

As soon as I heard “bigger,” tears started streaming down my face because I knew whatever he had to say would break me. It felt like Dr. E was stalling or trying to find the right way to break the news to me. 

So we go through the images, and he points out the different reproductive organs in them.

Then, at some point, he pauses and says we could not find your tubes.

I said what? What do you mean?

He repeated, 👉🏾we could not find your fallopian tubes, and if you look at these images, which capture everything, it just isn’t there." I looked and looked, and he was right! 

Side note: We all know The fallopian tubes play an important role in conception.

Dr. E continues to say, “Unfortunately, you can't have children naturally; the only way is through IVF. 

He said it once, but immediately, it felt like the room was dark, I was alone and he was repeating the statement over and over again. I was blank for sometime, I could Dr. E’s lips moving but I couldn’t hear anything he was saying and I could feel the hubby holding my hands.

He paused and let me feel my feelings; the hubby squeezed my hands to comfort me. 

Dr.E made some recommendations and writes everything down. (details in next episode). And then He ends the meeting by saying, “God bless you.”

For the first time in my Christian walk, hearing “God” triggered me. It made me ANGRY.

Almost immediately, I started conversing with myself in my head while sitting in the room.

Which God? The same God who promised me knowing it was impossible?

What part of this feels like a blessing? Feels like a curse to me?

The same God that has chosen to hurt me deeply?

Oh, I was angry.

The meeting ended, and Dr. E left the room

The hubby and I sat silently in the room for a few minutes. 

We later left the room to head to the car. I had a lot running through my mind, and it seemed like the longest walk ever. The hubby held on to my hand, and as we sat in the car, he said, "I don’t think you should go to work. You’ve been through a lot, and this is a lot, so take a break."

I replied, "Please take me to work. I need the noise and distraction; otherwise, I will lose my mind."

He drove me to work, and before I got down, he said, “I know what we just heard. I know we saw the images and all. I know what the reports say, but I hope you remember what God has said in all of this.”

To be continued….